The Betwixter

When I was writing recently about our priorities changing with age, I wasn’t even prepared for the onslaught of domestic goodies I’d amass in 2012.  More so, I had no idea of the utter excitement they would bring me!  For anyone who knew me at any stage of my existence prior to the last couple years, I’d imagine this comes as a complete shock.  After all, I was the girl who was consistently begged to bring cheese and crackers to potlucks because no one wanted to imagine what I’d concoct in the kitchen.

So far this year I’ve accumulated a Dyson vacuum, new knives, a new memory foam mattress with 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, a crock pot and slow cooker cook book. Let’s remember it’s only 3 weeks into the year.

Funnier yet is how much I’m loving cooking with the knives, picking recipes to test in the crock pot, vacuuming my home, and can’t wait for the delivery of the bed so I can lounge around in it without guilt for 2 days.  Looks like 2012 is the year of domesticity for me, a sentence I never thought I’d utter a mere few years ago.

I’ve learned that sometimes, when things come naturally to you, it’s not always the same for others.  I learned this most poignantly with networking.  Meeting new people and helping to facilitate connections is a favorite activity of mine.  Because of this skill, I was asked to craft a list of tips for some friends who were looking for pointers, so I thought I’d share, just in case any of it applies to your circumstances:

-Networking starts with your current contacts.  It doesn’t necessarily mean actively pursing making new relationships.

-Even if you ‘don’t need to network’, you do.  You never know when you’ll need someone to help connect you (not always professionally) and it’s improper to ask people for help when you’ve not spoken to someone in ages, and now are doing so simply to ask for something.  Cultivate and maintain your relationships.

-Think of networking as a puzzle you’re piecing together. What’s their need and how can you use your resources to fill that gap?

-Don’t throw your cards around.  Give them after engaging in a conversation.  To ask someone for their card first is more tactful.

-Don’t sell to the room, sell to their rolodexes.

-Ask permission to follow up if there’s a potential for a sale.

-Set expectations by saying how and when you’ll contact them (and then do it).

-Ask questions that are deeper than ‘what do you do?’

-Create a ‘reconnect’ file in your calendar on monthly rotation of a list of people you’ve met and with whom you want to keep in touch.

-For contacts that have more immediate, obvious value (networking partners) create individual monthly reconnect files to spark you to reach out to them in the future.  No need to reach out every month, but seeing their name (relevancy) is half the battle.  Reach out when you have an interesting article to share, want to touch base, etc.

-Let people know you’ll stay in touch every month or so, then do it!

-Remember birthdays!

-If they have an important meeting or proposal, remember and contact them to wish luck and ask how they did.

-Be specific when describing your ideal target. “Anybody” means nobody.

-Ask them what they need, then try to provide it by connecting them with someone you know and trust.

-Give first without expectation of something in return.

-Why are you different/memorable/great? If you don’t know, they won’t either.

-Not all networking events/groups are created equal.  Focus your time and energy when there’s value and it’s a good fit for you.

-Utilize LinkedIn!! Link to new and old contacts, go through their contacts, and ask for introductions.

-Offer to make introductions for people.

-Create a ‘referral introductions’ sheet to help facilitate other connections and referrals.

-Remember that when walking into a networking event, everyone is there to meet new people.  Going alone and walking up to strangers is the point, and everyone has some apprehension.

-Why should they care about you? Do you know how to describe yourself/business in one sentence that demonstrates some value to the listener, not couched in industry speak?  Or, can you explain it so that they might be interested in continuing the conversation? Ex: I help people to ________.

-Listen more than you talk! People love to talk about themselves!

-Have other interests you can talk about besides business and find common ground.

-Connect synergistic people (both targeting the same audience).

-DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU’LL DO!!

-Follow up within 24 hours.

-Send thank you’s!

-Find the fun in it.

When in doubt, revert back to a saying of my father’s:

“There’s not six degrees of separation, there’s two.  You just have to think hard enough.”

Thanks to a Betwixter friend for sharing this post on resolutions for 20-somethings.  Encompasses some good ones that mimic some of my ramblings,  although I may not ascribe to number 6 (full disclosure).

Over Christmas, I flew to tropical Indianapolis (sarcasm) to visit friends, and as luck would have it, my twin brother was also there visiting with his live-in-girlfriend’s family.  They’ve been together for over a year, and I’d never met her.   That’s what happens when you live in different regions and travel home on different schedules.

Since my dad keeps calling her my sister-in-law, and my older brother told me to help her pick out her wedding dress, I figured I should at least meet her.  So, we had the opportunity for our schedules to coordinate and we met.  It’s interesting to meet your sibling’s significant other after they’ve been together for so long, particularly when he’s there and you can’t ask any real questions.  All in all, I took away that she’s a nice girl with a good head on her shoulders: someone who would be an agreeable addition to once-a-year holiday gatherings, and seems to make my brother happy (or some neutral emotion since he doesn’t really have them).  It’s sort of strange to come to terms with the idea that whomever your siblings marry will be in your life, as well.  I learned that when my older brother got married (all positive), but had never really thought about it prior.  #quarterliferealizations

When I graduated from college, I remember a marked difference in some of my priorities with money.  One that I remember clearly was going from wanting to spend all of my discretionary income on clothes, nights out, and the like, to wanting to invest in furniture, bedding, and home decor.  I was reminded of this this Christmas when all I wanted were domestic items.  My older bro can attest that upon opening my Dyson vacuum on Christmas eve (I’m technically a Jew and therefore opted to fly on Christmas day, both because as Jews we like a bargain and that’s the day to get one on airfare, and because my family was spread throughout the country, thus leaving me free to do as I pleased) you would have thought I got a new car.  Then, the next morning, when I opened some packages from my parents, I found I also received some nice kitchen knives, leaving me doubly pleased.  Aside from setting back the women’s movement by asking for household items as gifts, interspersed with my happiness for my domestic items, I laughed to myself about how 6 years ago, if someone gave me these items I would have thought it was a joke.   Oh how things change…

It’s nice to stumble upon a similar, more-cohesive version of your own musings.  Saw this today on the Entrepreneurs’ Organization (EO) website.  Hearkens back to my recent post on balance vs. integration in life.

I think the best part of birthdays is that they call for a fresh start for a new year.  They also call for reflection on the events of the year that’s passed.  As we get older, we’re supposed to get wiser, so I guess this is one way to do that.  It’s easy to celebrate and let the day pass, but upon looking back, it’s great to take the time and pat yourself on the back for successes and accomplishments, as well as grow and learn from mistakes and failures.

Now at the tender age of 28 (and 4 days), I reflect back on 27 as filled with many ups-and-downs, appreciating each for the impact it’s made on me, big and small.  27 included stifling blows to my business, as well as record growth and rejuvenation.   I changed my first diaper (still only one though) and babysat alone for the first time.  Tried new forms of physical activity including Krav Maga and learned a new level of physical pain.   Surpassed my goal to travel monthly, which was assisted by a light wedding season (nice change of pace).  Debated cremation versus burial and completed my will.  I committed to several themes for the year, including ‘calm’ which I exercised with more ease than ever in the past.  Read more books on business, personal development, and Harry Potter than I care to count.  Was featured in the AJC.  Dated.  Hiked the highest peak of the Appalachian Trail in Georgia in the middle of the night.   Started a new business/networking venture that’s exploded.   Paid my first visit (and likely last) to Mardi Gras.  Was named the ‘Ambassador of the Year’ for the Metro Atlanta Chamber of Commerce.  Learned how to slow down and ‘stop and smell the roses’.  Started yoga.  Had my hair accidentally died red and remembered how tied we can be to our self-image.  With a heavy heart, said goodbye to my daily dose of Oprah.   Leaped out of my comfort zone to speak to my first several hundred person audience and launch a national partnership.   Learned that adults can still be bullies.  Worked on communication skills in my most challenged relationships.  Paid off my car (early).  Marked 4 years of home-ownership.  Welcomed my second niece.   My absolute disdain for AT&T grew exponentially.   I planned and celebrated my 5 year college reunion and then welcomed a best friend to his new home in Atlanta.  Said goodbye to a terrible roommate and welcomed a wonderful new one.  Finally left the world of Blackberry and got an iphone.

Lots to celebrate and mourn in 27.  Good decisions and bad, but all a part of the experience and the memories.  Farewell 27, hello 28.  New memories to make and experiences to have.

I’ve spent a lot of energy over the last few years tying to wrap my head (and my life) around the concept of balance.  It’s easy to see it when our peers are clearly off-balance, but oftentimes harder to see the spot on which we stand.  Do you notice yourself or your peers working 15 hour days, spending all your free time with your girlfriend/boyfriend and none with your friends, or maybe even going to the gym 3 times a day?  At the foundation of each of these activities are good intentions.  In-and-of-themselves, there’s no harm in working, dating, or working out.  But like anything, there are tipping points (think of the person who over-eats or over-drinks).  Where are the limits?

I unquestionably believe that the boundaries are different for everyone.  For some, working 8 hours a day is their threshold whereas for others, it can comfortably (and enjoyably) be 12.  But, how does one balance work, social, love, spiritual, and family life? Certainly for some, these pillars will vary.  But, I think we’d be kidding ourselves to think that spending 90% of our waking moments focused on one of these categories will be fulfilling.  Think to the mom who spends all of her time caring for her family and forgets to take time for herself.  Her intentions were spot-on but still resulted in some amount of stress or dissatisfaction.

Let’s look at it this way: there is no black without white, meaning it’s tough to see the good in one situation if not juxtaposed with something else. It’s tough to enjoy your time at the office if you have no ‘me’ time.  It’s tough to enjoy your monetary success if you have no time to do so or no one with whom to enjoy it.

About a year ago, I asked a successful businessman how he achieves balance as he runs a large company, has a family, volunteers, and has an avid social life.  He explained to me that he doesn’t look at it as balance as much as integration.  He continued to say that if something he commits to doesn’t hit on at least two cylinders (social and business, family and social, etc) he doesn’t do it.  By integrating his worlds, he no longer feels off-center.

I continue to check my own life to see how this plays out.  And typically, it doesn’t take much to do a self-assessment because I can tell by my stress levels and happiness.  When I’m feeling calm, satisfied,and generally content, I know things are relatively integrated.  When I’m feeling rushed, uneasy, and stressed, I know something is off.

I went to my first yoga class since college last week.  Not only was it a wonderful experience of both mind and body, but I got to enjoy it with one of my best friends.  It’s taken me about a year to come to a conclusion as to what could be a good physical challenge for me, but also be enjoyable.  For now, at the very least, I’ve found this solution and feel I’m rounding out that side of my circle of balance, which for some time looked like it was drawn by a 3 year-old, a bit lop-sided.

As things change in our lives during our Betwixter years, I can only imagine how the shifts in  balance will occur, but we’re fortunate to have this stage of our lives to build the foundation for those future changes and challenges, hopefully more equipped to better handle them down-the-road.

It’s no news to anyone that women in the workplace have different challenges than men.  ’They’ say, ” Perception is reality”, so when it comes to how women project confidence in the workplace, it’s evident that women suffer from lagging behind their male-counter-parts (statistically), as well as facing harsher critique when it comes to being judged as ‘bitches’ (seeing as how there’s not a readily-used masculine counterpart).

A thoughtful friend sent me this Harvard Business Review article today which nicely articulated these set-backs that women can face, oftentimes unknowingly.  From being too modest, to not stepping up to ask for what they deserve, or trying not to stand out, and keeping quiet.  Take a quick read.  It reminded me of being in class in college and some in my earlier jobs (when I didn’t work alone) and had to adapt to the politics of any office environment.

Even in my role now, working for myself, I’ve been directly told by male counterparts whom I meet networking that “I’m intimidating”, or once was even told I was “mean”.  In the later situation, he was more upset that as an older man, with an impressive title, that I wouldn’t respond positively to his outdated flirtations, so he reverted back to the ways of the playground and called me “mean”.  Regardless, it goes to show that there are differences in the perceptions of females professionals.  If the tables had been turned and I hit on him, only to find he didn’t respond well, I wouldn’t assume he was “mean” or an “asshole” (the best version of male bitch of which I can think), I’d assume he wasn’t interested.

I had the pleasure of catching up last night with a close friend.  In our conversation, she told me she calls herself the ‘marriage fluffer’ because after each of her relationships, the guy gets married to the next girl he meets.

I feel for her plight.  She’s an amazing woman who spends months or years with these guys, helping them to work on some of their ‘deal breaking’ flaws. (Examples include: fear of long-term commitment and alcohol abuse).  She lovingly puts in the energy to guide them on a healthier path, yet ultimately they break up, setting them free to meet the next girl, who inevitably becomes Mrs. ex-of-my-friend.

I’d call her crazy if it wasn’t true. It’s happened with 3 or 4 of her exes and causes one to pause and wonder: what is it about her that attracts guys who need to be ‘fixed’, get their tune up, and then move on for the next lady to get the spoils?

To my dear friend: Here’s a couple possible solutions…

1. Stop dating.  Thus, no one can marry your next ex, since there won’t be any.

2. Quit helping these guys who need fixing. Get out of there and let the next gal be the ‘fluffer’.

3. Don’t let me stop you from continuing to trust your gut and let your open heart help these guys out.  What do I know?